Some articles on parenthood annoy me!

After reading this morning's editorial in the NYT on yelling (http://www.nytimes.com/2009/10/22/fashion/22yell.html) I wanted to get into a shouting match with the author!

The gist of the article is in essence that yelling is bad for your children. It demeans, they often block out the "noise" and it erodes their self confidence and ego. Ok, we all heard about how spanking is an absolute no-no in parenting even though most adults I've spoken to, including those writers and researchers admit to being spanked as a child. Did they come out to be mass murderers, violent wife beaters, and other derelicts?

Now I'm being told I can't raise my voice a few octaves to make a point? Anyone who has been around children past the cute, toddler and I only babysit phase understand that certain behaviors elicit a yell every now and then. It wakes them up out of their cocoon of "Oh, I can probably get away with this for long time." Once a child gets in the pre-teen and teen years, they exhibit behaviors that most of the time, you are not happy with. They are not really trying to please you at this point, they're too busy trying to be themselves! So, if my child decides he's not going to brush his teeth in the morning and I find out right when I'm running out the door, what am I to do?

a. In my nice, telephone, at work voice say, "Would you please return to the bathroom and take care of your oral hygiene? (At this point, I will have less than 10 minutes to get to the train station)

b. Pretend I didn't notice and let him offend commuters, teachers and classmates with his breathe?

c. "GET IN THE BATHROOM AND TAKE CARE OF YOUR TEETH, NOW!"

Needless to say, I've done c. He's 12 for crying out loud, the soothing voice doesn't work when it's repeated behavior. Time out won't work on this one and did I really destroy his self esteem?
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My opinion is that the "perfect" parent who does everything on even keel and is never ruffled does more damage than good. What would you think if your mom or dad were always stoic beings? Do they have any emotions? And what about those feelings? Parents who keep all those feelings of resentment, anger, frustration have other unhealthy outlets. Smoking pot, using prescription drugs. (You don't know how many of those cute soccer moms are sneaking out smoking or are on anti-depressant medication.) And really, is it healthy to keep all this frustration internalized. Many moms experience ulcers just from stressors at home (kids, husband) and the job (deadlines, bosses).

So what's the solution? I'm not really sure but I do know all this advice makes me want to scream!

The Silent Illness

I'm finding that many of my friends who are now approaching 30 or already there seem tired and for the most part, depressed.

All of a sudden, a drop in phone calls, weeks go by without a Facebook update and soon you're found wondering, "hey, what happened to so and so?" Depression is what happened.

Most people my age can really identify with depression but refuse or are unable to acknowledge that their experiencing it. Here's a short list taken from WebMD :

Depression symptoms:

• difficulty concentrating, remembering details, and making decisions
• fatigue and decreased energy
• feelings of guilt, worthlessness, and/or helplessness
• insomnia, early-morning wakefulness, or excessive sleeping
  irritability, restlessness
• loss of interest in activities or hobbies once pleasurable, including sex (oh no!)
• overeating or appetite loss
• persistent aches or pains, headaches, cramps, or digestive problems that do not ease even with treatment
• persistent sad, anxious, or "empty" feelings

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Just do a quick survey with your friends. I guarantee that most will have exhibited one or many more of these symptoms. I had someone the other say, "I'm tired. It's been a difficult decade." DECADE?
Economy, family life, work, school all contribute to the stresses of your daily life but if it continues and you find yourself unhappy DAILY, something's wrong. And it's really not our fault. We're surrounded by overachievers, advertisements like, "The world runs on Dunkin", excessive gym rats, and did I mention the overachievers?

People have forgotten what's it's like to do absolutely nothing sometimes. Friends and families working 2, even 3 jobs , 2 or more school aged children EACH with a schedule to follow, full time employees going to graduate school full time, how can one compete with that? It's like you're a utter failure if you're not juggling 3 or 4 plates at a time. And nobody sleeps anymore...not with Facebook, Twitter, LinkedIn. You're constantly turned on and plugged in with your Android phone, "crack"berry, and iPhone (of which I'm guilty of too).

Sleep is a powerful tool to combat depression. It's been said that the lack of sleep is linked to depression because of an hormonal imbalance. Look it up! So don't feel guilty if you don't want to go out tonight, put the kids to bed early, turn of the tv, phone, computer, berry, iPod and spend 8 hours (or more) getting the sleep you deserve. You'll be happier and your body will thank you for it.

Respect, death, and the new generation

I have always considered myself and I've been told by others that I am friendly, approachable and genuinely nice. I believe it, usually. But there are things are slowly chipping away at my demeanor for example, respect (or the lack of).

1. K. West is just a reminder of how people really are around you. His behavior and his actions thereafter remind me of people who do things to hurt your feelings and then apologize when you you express your disapproval. This is not sincere! How different was Mr. West's behavior to Jesse Jackson stated unknowingly into a live mic that Obama was a "uncle Tom" and later apologizes because people reacted. Or what about the recent congressman who called Obama a liar during session? Maybe the several countries who after benefitting from slavery for hundreds of year later issue an apology because...oh yea! It was wrong to to subject an entire generation and progenies later to their willful, abusive treatments. People have forgotten how to behave in public and really at home. We have become a society that enjoys taunting, bullying and teasing other people for kicks and then give a lame apology to excuse our behavior.

2. Death---so many people have died this year including celebs; Kennedy, Jackson, Swayze, Fawcett, etc. Here's my issue: The rush to "get over it". It may not be verbalized but the media has an insane affect on how you deal with your emotions. Psychologically, we are unable to properly grieve.

Day 1. A.M headline "XXX dies today at XX"
Day 1 P.M news about all the accomplishments, failures of said person who passed.
Day 2 A.M headline "Funeral service for XXX to be held on XX"
Day 3-5 (headline may move to page 2-3)
Day 6+ other newsworthy items

So basically, we're given like 5 days to grieve someone we barely know and even our own friends and family. Just look at your bereavement policy of your employer.


3. The new generation-Our kids are walking robots!

My 12 year old had to learn the "Our Lord's Prayer" in Latin at his school and I asked if he knew the prayer in English he said, "No." I asked my mom if she knew the prayer and she said, "Of course, I learned that prayer in elementary school so I know it by heart!" She asks him, "Do you want to learn it?" He says, "no, I'll just get it from the internet." What?
Kids just don't get the value of having someone older around them. There was a time when the youth would ask their grandparents about their lives, their triumphs and struggles. These days, we look to technology for all information. I'm ashamed to say this, but he doesn't even know our mother language. And believe me we've tried to teach it.

Oral traditions are lost...what a travesty.

I didn't know they were going to trade Rajon?

You learn something new everyday...like this boy is good on live camera. Lol!

Are you there God? It's me, a daughter.

I struggle with adulthood. Not because of bills, increased responsibilities, decisions or my son. It's because of my mother. You see, it's quite easy to be a child and watch your parents (or in my case my mom) make the decisions, scold you when necessary and still love her with every fiber of your being. But as you get older and you watch your mother, a woman, a person, behaviors rear their ugly head that you may not like and herein lies the dilemma. What do you do when sometimes, you don't like the woman who is your mother?

Take for example the subject of control. She was always in control when I was younger. She decided what I wore, where I was going on Saturday, if I could talk to my friends all night on the phone. That was her job. Fast forward 20 years later and I'm still dealing with whether I can go out of town or spend all night out because after all, what is my mother going to do while I'm gone or how is she going to get home later? (There is a back to story to this: I moved back to the Boston area after 12 years of being in California, not only to find my mother older (mid 50's), a bit slower, some health issues and taking public transportation.) This is infringing on my freedoms as an adult, isn't it?

What about pettiness? Does it really matter if someone moved your seat in the car or didn't call you to ask if you wanted something at Target? Things get blown out of proportion when stuff isn't done to her liking which leads right back to control.

I've learned alot of things along the way of growing up especially that people can say what they want, it's the reaction that makes a difference. It's safe to say that she always reacts and sometimes I do too. I've also learned that this woman is lonely and maybe old age has made her insecure instead of the vibrant, confident woman I used to look up to. Was it childhood admiration? She enjoys solitude and keeps people at a distance. I can't remember the last time she's spent time with people other than me or her grandson. If there's an event she'd like to go to, I'm the default companion.

My feelings often conflict from flashes of anger to sorrow and guilt. She's my mom and I should be willing to do anything for her and yet she painfully reminds me that I owe her because of the sacrifices she's made for me, so my anger returns.

I need a vacation...from mom.

Just testing the waters on mobile blogging.

My impending 12 year old...

When you're with your child, you don't usually notice the slight growth spurts occuring practically overnight unless someone's pointed it out. I am truly shocked at the rate of which my boy is growing.

Last week, at his annual physical, his doctor remarked that he continues to be at the 90th percentile for height and weight. I only weigh 6 pounds more than him and he's 5"5! As his doctor examined him, he asked about his vision. Here's their brief convo:

PCP: "How's your vision? Are you seeing well, like the ball, the blackboard..."

Mr. Smarty-pants says, "I can see that you're trying to look at my private area".

SP continues..."well my eyes sometimes get blurry when I stare at the wall too long."
(Of course we're asking why are you staring at the wall?) He says,

SP: "It's not always the walls but when I'm sort of daydreaming but looking like I'm awake."

PCP and MOM asks: "When do you do that?"

SP: "oh, you know, when my mom or dad are talking and it's taking too long, I ignore them sometimes."

PCP: laughs, and of course I gasp, "what?!"

Unbelievable...I'm just wasting my breathe when I'm speaking because the boy flat out says he zones out! What happened to the doe eyed kid who used to stare up at me because he was interested in what I had to say? I don't know if I should be hurt or chalk this up as one of those growing pains, because let's face it, we all do that every now and then. Ever listen to your boss?
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In other news...

Saturday, we went to the Boston Garden to see the skateboarders on the Dew Tour. It kind of reminded of those days when I hung out the boy, letting him choose events randomly in Oakland or Berkeley that we would attend. He loved the skateboard park, the Oakland Zoo and Fairyland. I also miss going to Pier 39 with him, watching the seals and going to the arcade.
Anyway, we attended this event where most of the skateboarders were valley, Cali types; blond, windswept hair (on purpose!), Burton, Vans, Chuck taylor sneakers (not tennis shoes) and Rashaad totally fit in! It was hilarious to watch this kid flip ramps and collect autographs of pro skaters with everyone else. In the blazing sun, we played games and contests and for a moment I was happy that he was happy, doing something he liked to do. Later when I asked if he had fun, he says, "yea but I should have brought BMX bike instead."
What?!

Whatever...