After reading this morning's editorial in the NYT on yelling (http://www.nytimes.com/2009/10/22/fashion/22yell.html) I wanted to get into a shouting match with the author!
The gist of the article is in essence that yelling is bad for your children. It demeans, they often block out the "noise" and it erodes their self confidence and ego. Ok, we all heard about how spanking is an absolute no-no in parenting even though most adults I've spoken to, including those writers and researchers admit to being spanked as a child. Did they come out to be mass murderers, violent wife beaters, and other derelicts?
Now I'm being told I can't raise my voice a few octaves to make a point? Anyone who has been around children past the cute, toddler and I only babysit phase understand that certain behaviors elicit a yell every now and then. It wakes them up out of their cocoon of "Oh, I can probably get away with this for long time." Once a child gets in the pre-teen and teen years, they exhibit behaviors that most of the time, you are not happy with. They are not really trying to please you at this point, they're too busy trying to be themselves! So, if my child decides he's not going to brush his teeth in the morning and I find out right when I'm running out the door, what am I to do?
a. In my nice, telephone, at work voice say, "Would you please return to the bathroom and take care of your oral hygiene? (At this point, I will have less than 10 minutes to get to the train station)
b. Pretend I didn't notice and let him offend commuters, teachers and classmates with his breathe?
c. "GET IN THE BATHROOM AND TAKE CARE OF YOUR TEETH, NOW!"
Needless to say, I've done c. He's 12 for crying out loud, the soothing voice doesn't work when it's repeated behavior. Time out won't work on this one and did I really destroy his self esteem?
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My opinion is that the "perfect" parent who does everything on even keel and is never ruffled does more damage than good. What would you think if your mom or dad were always stoic beings? Do they have any emotions? And what about those feelings? Parents who keep all those feelings of resentment, anger, frustration have other unhealthy outlets. Smoking pot, using prescription drugs. (You don't know how many of those cute soccer moms are sneaking out smoking or are on anti-depressant medication.) And really, is it healthy to keep all this frustration internalized. Many moms experience ulcers just from stressors at home (kids, husband) and the job (deadlines, bosses).
So what's the solution? I'm not really sure but I do know all this advice makes me want to scream!
The gist of the article is in essence that yelling is bad for your children. It demeans, they often block out the "noise" and it erodes their self confidence and ego. Ok, we all heard about how spanking is an absolute no-no in parenting even though most adults I've spoken to, including those writers and researchers admit to being spanked as a child. Did they come out to be mass murderers, violent wife beaters, and other derelicts?
Now I'm being told I can't raise my voice a few octaves to make a point? Anyone who has been around children past the cute, toddler and I only babysit phase understand that certain behaviors elicit a yell every now and then. It wakes them up out of their cocoon of "Oh, I can probably get away with this for long time." Once a child gets in the pre-teen and teen years, they exhibit behaviors that most of the time, you are not happy with. They are not really trying to please you at this point, they're too busy trying to be themselves! So, if my child decides he's not going to brush his teeth in the morning and I find out right when I'm running out the door, what am I to do?
a. In my nice, telephone, at work voice say, "Would you please return to the bathroom and take care of your oral hygiene? (At this point, I will have less than 10 minutes to get to the train station)
b. Pretend I didn't notice and let him offend commuters, teachers and classmates with his breathe?
c. "GET IN THE BATHROOM AND TAKE CARE OF YOUR TEETH, NOW!"
Needless to say, I've done c. He's 12 for crying out loud, the soothing voice doesn't work when it's repeated behavior. Time out won't work on this one and did I really destroy his self esteem?
__________________________________________
My opinion is that the "perfect" parent who does everything on even keel and is never ruffled does more damage than good. What would you think if your mom or dad were always stoic beings? Do they have any emotions? And what about those feelings? Parents who keep all those feelings of resentment, anger, frustration have other unhealthy outlets. Smoking pot, using prescription drugs. (You don't know how many of those cute soccer moms are sneaking out smoking or are on anti-depressant medication.) And really, is it healthy to keep all this frustration internalized. Many moms experience ulcers just from stressors at home (kids, husband) and the job (deadlines, bosses).
So what's the solution? I'm not really sure but I do know all this advice makes me want to scream!
I am a yeller, that is what I do. I rarely spank if ever, it is usually a time out. The reason I get to yelling is because I say go do something, and repeat, and repeat and then 1/2 later repeat again.. Okay, three strikes I am yelling now. My kids are not scared of me, they are not antisocial or afraid of other, and they don't stay hidden in the corner. It has to happen. Until they can figure out in their own mind the respect of doing or questioning, they have to do as parents ask. Chores, eating, bathing, etc.. The learning process is difficult for them as kids and us as parents. If they are not listening, then a higher octave may help.. Talk lower and they really won't turn around and ask what you are saying...
ReplyDeleteI have the second hardest job next to parenting. Teaching. At a middle school.
ReplyDelete:sigh:
And if I hear one more post-modern-revolutionary-meditational-yogi teaching on how educators need to be more understanding (read passive) of the youths' "needs" I too will join you in a yelling match.
I used to be a fan of the no yelling/whoopin motto, but I can only calmly repeat myself so many times (3 to be exact) until I have to escalate my pitch so that they know I mean business.
..children can distinguish when a parent/teacher is acting from a space of love...and if they can't, we let them know...even if it means speaking in falsetto.